i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
