You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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