i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He passed out mid-signature
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
