I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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