I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
