I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
