Well apparently he's into motor boating.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize