I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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