everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
