The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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