the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
