the condom got lost in my hair
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
