At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
