you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
