shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Randomize
