They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i was born a porn star she said
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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