I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
