So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
