There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
