hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
