found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
