worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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