eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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