My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
