Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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