I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
