I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
