my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
