1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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