I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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