I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
