Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
