After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
