I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
