I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
People with herpes should wear stickers.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
