I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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