All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
