I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
whose parrot is this?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
