I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
