How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
