Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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