Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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