I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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