I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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