im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
