i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
