I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Two words: blizzard sex
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
