Your dad touched me again.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
