I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
