Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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