who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
