I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
