No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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