I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
