just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
