"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
