I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
