me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's blow job season.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
