Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
