I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
