I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
