Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
