I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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