Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I need a beard to bite.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Text me some of your sweat
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