foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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