Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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