Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
