genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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