i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
