I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
