i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
