pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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