you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
