Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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